Ladies, there’s no denying it, I know you’ve been there. You’ve enjoyed yourself until the unthinkable happens. You’re at a friend’s bridal shower, finally in a position to celebrate her impending joy. It’s been years in the dreaming and months in the making. You’re catching up with friends you see only once a year and you are finally getting comfortable and starting to really enjoy yourself. You’re warmed up, you’re able to be yourself and then it happens. The party host announces that the games are about to begin.
You know the ones – wrap one of your teammates up as a toilet paper bride, or “He said, she said” where you guess things like who said I love you first. Or one I wish I’d gotten to play “Who can make the best cocktail?” Where was that when all my friends got married? That I might actually be good at that. Or at least the taste testing part.
Without a doubt there is always the opportunity to leave the bride-to-be with wisdom that you’ve either gained from your own marriage or been told about from the experience of others. Some of the advice I’ve given friends over the years has been helpful, like “keep communicating, no matter how hard it is,” or “keep the TV out of the bedroom,” or there’s the advice from Aaron Burr, from the musical, Hamilton, “talk less, smile more.” All very useful tips, but one of my favourite things to leave behind is one like this:
“Keep farting, it’s a part of life and if he loves you, he’ll learn to love that too.”
Helpful, practical, realistic advice.
But the best piece of marriage advice I’ve ever been given was from my mum. And no, I’m not just saying that because mum reads all my blogs (thanks mum), I’m saying this because it’s true. She’s a legend, has become very wise in her old age (jokes) and I love her very dearly. But enough of the sap, let’s get to her wisdom. It’s summed up very simply in one sentence. “Everyday you wake up, you need to choose to love the person beside you.” Simple right? Haha, hardly.
It’s not something that always comes naturally. Sure there are amazing periods in your relationship where you couldn’t imagine life without them. But there’s also times where you want to make them sleep in the spare bed. Times where it’s easier to go to bed angry, or prioritise Netflix rather than talk it through. Times where you feel that there is no resolution and that sweeping things under the rug is the best solution. Trust me, speaking from experience, it’s not. It always manages to rear its ugly head again and become an even larger issue down the track.
Love is not a feeling. It may start out that way but it doesn’t last. Love is a choice. Not like choosing to have Weet Bix for breakfast, or going to this cafe or that one, or choosing mint choc-chip ice cream every time, so it might be too simple to use the word choice. (Notice that all my analogies are food related? I think I have a problem).
In this context the word choice is more like a resolve. I am resolved to wake up everyday and love my husband. It’s a firm decision to make it work. To communicate and to get through our issues. To prioritise him and serve him where I can. Despite what our culture tells us, believe it or not, your marriage is not solely for you. It’s not for you to just take and take and be uplifted and supported and loved. It’s a partnership. It’s a deal you committed to together. It’s designed to be a blessing to both of you. Like at the time of writing this, I’m sitting in a cafe in a beachside town I’ve never been to, because Scott agreed to me having a weekend away to write, read and connect with God. And in a couple of weeks he’s going away for a weekend for a mate’s bucks. It’s a partnership. We support each other where we can, to help each other be our best selves.
Now, please hear me when I say that I know there are situations where it is unsafe or extremely unhelpful to do this. In these situations the rules might be different. If this is you, please seek help and support with what you’re going through. Know that you are not alone.
If you feel like there are no humans close to you that you can trust and lean on, (in good times or bad), there is always one who will listen. No. Matter. What. One who loves you and will uplift you and bless you with joy and grace beyond what you could ever imagine. Your Heavenly Father is always with you, waiting to hear from you, whether you believe in Him or not. Why not take Him up on His offer of a supportive and listening ear. It might just change your life. And your eternity.
BB
